Those who added me to their Facebook, Instagram and other social networks, probably already know what the next video will be about.
And those who haven’t, make sure you add me to your friends and subscribe to my channel. I will show you Lanzarote island. But first – a little disclaimer. My subscribers are used to short and informative videos, strictly to the point. This one will be an exception. I would like you to see everything from my POV, so you could try to emerge in the atmosphere and make your own conclusions. That’s why this video will have lots of long silent moments where there is nothing much to comment. Of course I would try to entertain you with wise cracks and stuff, so you won’t get totally bored. In any case, Lanzarote is a unique place, video is Full HD, so sit back and enjoy. Lanzarote is one of the Spanish Canary Islands, the most famous of which is of course Tenerife. Direct flights are available from high-profile European countries like Germany and UK. All the smack countries will have to sustain a connecting flight, typically 4 hours to Barcelona with a 3 hour gap, and then 3 hours more to Lanzarote. This influences the tourists geography. Half of the tourists are Spaniards from the mainland. The other half is mostly British and German. There are some french, a very limited amount of Slavics from Czech, Poland and Russia. As for the age groups, 50% of tourists are old-fags. Given the raging pension crisis in Europe, I really hope this is the last generation of mass pensioners who can afford vacating in 5 star resorts on VIP islands. Half of the rest tourists are young couples, and about quarter are young families with toddlers. And infants. This I could never understand. What’s the reason to take such small kids with you? They won’t understand or remember anything anyway. But they sure will exhaust the parents with endless screams. And other tourist are sick and tired of other people kids running and crying in planes, restaurants and hotels. Your own kids don’t irritate that much, but mostly you can’t stand other people children. I don’t get it – you were able to shell out several thousand euros for a two-weeks stay in 5 star hotel, but you couldn’t find someone to look after you kid back home in the meantime? You are SO fucking tired that you just can’t wait a couple more years till the kid grows up a little bit? And pregnant women traveling with their huge bellies, and risking the live of their unborn child at every step in crowded airports and foreign countries? Only to get to their favorite Europe with narrow streets and shopping? Well, they seem to come for the sole opportunity to play Angry Birds with your kids as ammo. As cheap as 5 euros! Well, we landed. Take a taxi at the airport. There is a whole line of taxis standing one after another, go to the very first car in the lane. That’s local rules. The trip to the Melia hotel cost me about 23 euros. In fact, the counter showed 19, which magically turned to 23 after some passes by the driver. Let’s start with the rooms. Here is what you get in a standard room. He-hey, hi from Easy Life. This…thing will be enjoyed by the ladies… and boys will surely find some sweet spots to wash. The hotel has free WiFi. The room has teapot. I’ll show where you get get hold of some teabags later. A huge terrace where you can sunbath. Large flowerbeds prevent guests from above you to spy on your naked butt. Now let’s see what premium rooms look like. The higher is the room number, the longer they are from the center of the hotel. If you don’t want to be the involuntary witness of awkward dancing in the restaurant each evening, try to get a room with number greater than 30. Let’s take a look at the hotel grounds. The swimming pool. With salt water. As Youtube forbids posting female nipples, I had to edit out all the topless sunbathers. And I noticed that most of naked breasts belong to old women. And yes the top is bare, but this is leveraged by a huge pair of panties. What’s the point of this stripteasing, as you still end up with a large white spot on your below? Younger girls are the opposite – a couple more threads, and the bikini turns into all-covering monokini. If you think girls who still have something to show should wear more revealing swimsuits, like the video. Playground. Kids are entertained here every day. Mm… big-ass chess. There are two hot-tubs. Public. The water is nether changed, so it became very dark. If you lack many skin diseases and want to borrow somebody else’s, pop into the water. The planes fly by quite often, but hardly heard. Now let’s go out to what we came all the way here in the first place. The sea. Technically, the ocean. The water is cold. The beach looks like this. Big black volcanic rocks. And the same underwater. There is a little bit of sand, but for the most part it’s big sleazy rocks. Easy Life was looking for a way to show you the bottom, as I don’t have an underwater case, but the mother nature herself helped me out. There was a massive tide, which naked the ocean floor. As you may see with your own eyes, there is very little sand, and mostly there are rocks underwater. Well, near San Antonio hotel there is a vast sand beach. But most probably, the ocean floor is also rocky. The beach beds and beach umbrellas are not free, and the prices are outrageous. As you can see, a back-breaking job that should be well-paid. The hotel also has a private VIP club, with segregated ground only accessible via key-card. Children are not allowed there. And rest of the hotel overlooks this area from their balconies. I don’t know if this is really worth the money. There is no water access there. But if you take a walk further to other hotels, some of them have artificial beaches with ocean water flowing to them. As beaches are public in Spain, the access is free for other hotel guests, and even surfers who come in on weekends. Lanzarote is a sweet spot for surfers. All water around the island is one big spot. On the other hand, it is not exactly crowed, so no one sees your fails. Other entertainment includes mountain bikes and excursion trips. Hotels impose about 30 percent extra on the trips, so it is smarter to buy the same trips in agencies in the nearest mall. Actually, the place has nothing to show – a desert is a desert after all. The guides understand that, and painstakingly try to tell you at least something. And some do not even try. Another funny moment. There are many 50 years of age and older male Spaniards who are blue eyed. On the contrary, young Spaniards are almost all dark. This is a warning sign that very soon, the whole Spanish population will be darker than night. Talking about black people. A number of them cruise the beaches peddling some made in China crap – fake watches, sunglasses, hat umbrellas and that kind of cheap shit. Their women specialize is Afro hairstyles. The sleep right on the beach. More made in China crap is sold by made in China people. As the island produces almost nothing, and nothing spectacular, most of the souvenirs are made in China. More Asian work in Chinese restaurants, which I would highly recommend to all Asian cuisine lovers like myself. Delicious and very cheap. Spanish cafes are also not expensive, tasty and the servings are large. The waiters don’t speak English, so have fun poking in the menu. Food is also available in local chain stores Hiperdino and Superdino. Hiperdino work longer hours, but prices are higher. Superdino closes earlier, but the selection is better. Here are price tags in euro for international brands available everywhere, so you could easily compare them between Hiperdino and Superdino, and also to to your local stores. In a local shopping center there is a nice big perfume store, where you have to take off your pants for admittance. Just kidding. Prices are higher than in duty-free, but! Almost all items had huge discounts – 20, 30 and even 40 percent. I made a mistake of purchasing some of the fragrances I needed in the Barcelona airport duty-free shop while waiting for my connecting flight. Of course this shop near hotel had discounts for exactly these brands, so it hurt a little. The duty free would be available on the way back. Or not. The duty free shops in the Barcelona airport – ergh – are not open 24h. Is is around 10 pm now, and most of the shops are closed. However, there are a couple more shops after passport control, well at least their doors were open. As for duty-free shopping in town, it’s a total mess. First, only non-EU citizens are eligible for tax rebate. Second, Spain has an idiotic rule – your purchase must be over 90 euros or you must spend over 90 euros in one day in the same shop to be eligible for tax rebate. Exactly ninety. They probably spent sleepless night calculating the amount to this precision exactly. You must request a special tax-free slip at the shops cash registry, and some shops refuse to print it out. Then you have to show the goods at the airport, fill a form and wait for the refund. Usually the money will be transferred to your account in about 60 days or less. Standard stuff. And the last thing I wanted to show – the breakfast at the hotel. Here’s what you can eat there. Despite the seemingly large selection, there is not much variety, especially if you don’t like milk and milk products and try to eat less bread. Breakfast foods are the same every day, and you can’t stand them after second morning. Unfortunately, they don’t sell rooms without breakfast, so you have to pay for it. To lighten up this a bit, cheap champagne is surved at breakfast. Yes. Champagne for breakfast. Dreams come true.